Today I decided to have a little burning ceremony. I started a fire in the fire pit and then went upstairs and got a pile of my old journals. The plan was to read a little bit of each and then throw it in the fire. I didn’t want to go to deep into the past, but I did want to get a feel for what I was writing about.
I threw in journals from 2011 to 2016. Then I got overwhelmed and decided I’d save 2017 and on for another day.
But I did notice a few things in those pages.
The 2011 journal was the first time I had written anything down like that since I was a kid. I was in my darkest depression in 2011. You would never have known that from reading what I wrote.
I’m writing about (and dealing with) a lot of the same issues now as I was back then.
In the beginning years I was trying to fix issues outside of myself. Later, it shifted to fixing issues within.
I was extremely focused on being a good parent. And I didn’t like the things I read in the entries about that. It makes me very sad. Very sad.
I used to make lists of everything I had to do to fix myself. That makes me sad too.
There was a time where I thought I might go back to school to become a teacher. I forgot about that.
In 2016, I wanted to write a book. I forgot about that too.
I took a pic of this little blurb I wrote on the second page of that 2011 journal. I knew then. I fucking knew then. Even when things were so dark. And I was determined. I really was determined as hell.
I made things better for myself.
Thanks for reading today’s entry in my daily blog. My goal here is to practice noticing. I try to write about small things and I try to keep it light. Sometimes I write about creativity or healing. And sometimes I write about my dogs or what I cooked for dinner. Writing daily here is a way for me to shine a light back on my life and help me see.
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