Behind the Curtain

I think a lot about healing and change and growth. And I think a lot about these last eight or so years that I’ve been shifting my inner and outer world. I will NEVER forget what my daily internal life was like back then. Some words that come to mind are – suffering, torture, anxious, exhaustion. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. But my external life was mostly not that. Everything was pretty shiny on the outside.

I would say that today, my inside is a much closer match to my outside. Now, I am certainly not saying that life is shiny all the time. It most definitely is not. I’m saying my life is truer now. My life has more integrity.

I think a lot about the time I’ve spent learning and practicing to get to this point. And one of the things that I encountered a lot back then when I would read or listen to something about spirituality or healing, I would end up saying something like this to myself – Okay, yes, I understand why you have to do that, but HOW do you do that? What does that look like to try to do that? I had the feeling that the people teaching the stuff, didn’t actually know how to show you how to actually do the stuff. That may or may not have been true, but it felt that way. I had to figure that all out on my own. So I looked and looked for people out there offering their real life experiences. I looked for the people that were willing to open themselves up and let us peak in and see what a moment of healing actually looked like or felt like. I found them. And they are gold to me. They were real and vulnerable. And generous.

I believe there are some of us that feel okay about the inside not matching the outside, it’s not particularly bothersome. But there are some of us to whom the feeling is unbearable. It’s unsustainable. That was me. Something had to be done. And I want to tell you that something can be done. It’s not easy, but it’s possible.

My intention for here is to offer more of the – but HOW do you do that? What does that look like to try to do that? That is what helped me, and continues to help me. The peaking in, the pulling back the curtain. The smallest moments of daily healing. We can share this with each other.

I took a walk yesterday on the farm’s new 5k trail. They’ve added signs of encouragement. I needed it and maybe you do too.

Thanks for reading today’s entry in my daily blog.  My goal here is to practice noticing. I try to write about small things and I try to keep it light. Sometimes I write about creativity or healing. And sometimes I write about my dogs or what I cooked for dinner. Writing daily here is a way for me to shine a light back on my life and help me see.

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