The other voice

Control has been a way to protect myself.  Oh, yes, there are so many ways I try to keep that firm grip. One old standby is the hiding. Hiding works because I don’t even give people a chance to form an unfavorable opinion of me. That’ll teach ‘em. I’ll just not talk. Or create. Or live.
I’ve been trying to let go for years. It really has always seemed like such a great idea.
And being home with no place to go, boy, it’ll really turn that spotlight on all those issues you’ve been too “busy” to attend to.
It’s time for me to loosen my grip.

Letting go is surrender. Surrender is having faith. But what is faith? Is faith the same as trust? What am I trusting?
Faith is belief in something greater than you. Trust is what you do if you have faith.
Okay, but what am I having faith in? Who or what am I trusting?
How can I loosen my grip if I don’t know what else is there to hold on to?
Bingo.
What do I believe in?
That is the beautiful thing. We get to decide.
There’s an energy/universe/god/jesus/angel/spirit that I had never gotten to know.

I thought there was something out there judging me, critiquing my every move. Guilt, shame. I was listening to that.
For some of us, they are so loud. They’re so damn loud. We can’t hear the other voice.

You can get to know the sound of her voice. She’s quiet but she’s mighty.
And now that I know her, I can see her everywhere.

She loves everything about me.
I recognize her by the way I feel. I feel okay. I feel held. Supported.
The just right words of encouragement.
It’s okay to make mistakes.
Unconditional.
The opposite of heavy.
Full of joy.
Free.

Recently, I heard a voice tell me something.  “When I see you being silly and laughing, that’s when I think you are closest to god.”

I’m moving in closer to this voice. It’s what I choose to have faith in.
She’s giving me permission to loosen my grip. And I’m giving her my trust.