When we grow up in a family, we are groomed for a role. Everyone in the family has a role. We’re kids when this happens, so we don’t have a choice of what role we’re assigned. Nobody is saying, Okay Pam, you are the one who puts yourself last. Now go. It’s all unconscious. It’s all out of our hands.
And then we grow up and we’ve got our operating system. So we test the waters as teenagers. Then we become adults, and that’s when we really step into that role. We are on autopilot. Every relationship recreates the role we learned when we didn’t have a choice.
And then time goes by and for whatever reason some of us say, Hey wait a minute. This kind of sucks. I don’t want to live this way. It’s making me sick, its making me sad and tired. I am full of rage.
And that’s when the choice comes. Do we try to change our operating system? Some of us do. Some of us don’t. But those of us who do? We know it’s fucking hard. There is no pretty shareable meme that we can put on Facebook that fixes this. There’s no pill, no book, no person, no thing. It’s on us. It’s day after day, swimming against the current. Some days are easier than others. And other days, you just let the current take you and accept that you’re losing ground. At the end of those days you say to yourself, Tomorrow is a new day and I will begin again.
In a few minutes, I’ll put my pajamas on and crawl into bed. I’ll lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes. And I’ll say to myself, Tomorrow is a new day and I will begin again.
Pam Moore Gainer 