If you know me well enough, you know you don’t know me.
I built the walls for protection.
Thank you walls.
I seek perfection in what can be seen. I keep my closets organized.
I seek perfection in what can’t be seen. I will do everything I can to not hurt.
Being invisible is easier. It keeps me safe. And lonely.
You can’t Type A yourself out of loneliness.
Walls prevent connection and connection is life.
It’s easier to connect with someone in an online writing group who I’ve never met, than it is to connect to those who live under my own roof. It’s easier to write this in a blog post than to tell them I hurt.
Connection means being seen. See them. Let them see me.
You can’t connect when you wear your mask.
If you can’t be yourself with the people closest to you, we have a problem. If your kids don’t open up to you, it’s because they don’t feel safe doing so. If your kids don’t feel safe being seen, it’s because they haven’t been shown that it’s okay to be vulnerable. If your kids aren’t okay with mistakes, it’s because you aren’t okay with mistakes.
It’s okay. Do it now. Right this second.
Be okay with looking like an ass. Be okay with mistakes. Be okay with not knowing what will happen when someone peeks around the wall straight into your heart. This is what you’ve been missing.
Your ego tells you its too hard. Maybe it is hard. But, it’s also hard to feel lonely and still you spend your days stuck there.
So what have you got to lose?
Lose the wall.
Lose the gaze on the floor.
Lose the holding back.
Risk it. Life is a risky venture. We don’t know if what we put out there will hurt us. But we have to take the risk. It’s also risky to stay behind the wall. No one knows you and checks on you. No one knows if you are shriveling up.
You know that lady around the corner who never leaves her house? There’s a beautiful golden treasure inside that no one knows exists.
I think people do courageous things all the time and they don’t even know they’re being brave.
When you do something dumb, stop yourself right there – did you hear that? Stop telling yourself its dumb. Instead say, “Well, would ya look at that. Huh.” And then dance. Say to yourself with a smile, “Wow! That was so crazy!”
Embrace it all and then laugh. This will get easier. Maybe you won’t be able to laugh right away. Maybe at first you’ll think they are laughing at you. But then you’ll see that they’re laughing with you. Because its all just crazy and who the fuck cares. Don’t use the laughter to deflect. Use the laughter to help you swallow the pill. Let it help you handle the vulnerability of being exposed.
Can you laugh when you trip on that stair in front of everyone? Okay then, can you laugh at how hard it is for you to say I’m lonely?
It’s you that’s making things heavy. They don’t need to be heavy. Make the choice to keep it light.
Remember all those times someone hurt you in the past?
Well, duh, yes.
They left a scar, right? Take all of those scars and put them in a box. Tie a big red lopsided bow on top. Say, “These are my scars and they are a beautiful gift.” Write on the box, “This was all other people’s shit that’s not mine to carry anymore.”
Play with it. Throw it up in the air. What’s inside that box has nothing to do with you. See it flying through the air? Wheeeeeee! It wasn’t yours to carry all along! Dance around it.
And then put it up on your mantle like the shiny golden trophy it is.
And then let yourself be seen in all your imperfect glory.