Ohhhhhh I had big plans for today. And they did not happen. I was over at the farm at 6:30 am finishing setting up for opening day. I was back home after a couple of hours. But then the day got away. Big plans for cleaning and organizing and relaxing. Nope, didn’t happen. Things (life) came up and I lost the day.
I wallowed in my shit for a while and then I took the Bronco out and went for a ride. I listened to music, and let the air wake me up. Every time I pull out of my driveway, I thank God for that car.
Stubborn Love by The Lumineers, It’s better to feel pain, than nothing at all.
Maybe it’s the stars, the full moon, but things are coming to the surface for me. And that means anger. Today I took a big plastic container of pretzels and threw it at the wall. Then I kicked it. Pretzels everywhere.
Pain is part of life. I write about a lot of my pain here because it’s an outlet. I have a deep need to express myself.
Before, I held it all in. Now, I write it all out.
I have a fucking beautiful life. I have a husband who loves me no matter what. I have two kids who are good and kind and funny. I don’t worry about having a roof over my head, or food on the table. I have a life where I can make time to create and play. When the four of us sit together at dinner, we talk and laugh. It’s not perfect but it’s good.
I also have struggle. I also have pain. I have a complicated internal life. I don’t live on the surface, I live in the deep waters. I’ve always been that way.
Before, I was not conscious of it. Now, I look it straight on.
I become aware, and I deal with it. And that is how I grow. It is how I have learned to have less internal struggle and less pain.
I will continue writing about my hard stuff here. I know there are people out there reading this who appreciate that. Thank you. You help me feel less alone.
In a couple of days, I will have been writing this blog every night, for three months. I was title-ing each day the date written, I’m going to switch that up a bit. I’ve noticed that naturally each day has a theme, so I’ll name it.
I took this photo of these two good guys in my stuffed animal display at the farm. I just think their faces are saying, “We got you Pam.”
Thanks for reading today’s entry in my daily blog. My goal here is to practice noticing. I try to write about small things and I try to keep it light. Sometimes I write about creativity or healing. And sometimes I write about my dogs or what I cooked for dinner. Writing daily here is a way for me to shine a light back on my life and help me see.
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Pam Moore Gainer 