My sister in law set up our family tree on Ancestry.com. She added a bunch of my mom’s old photos. I’m not sure why, but the last few days I’ve been pulled to log in and look at photos of the women on my mom’s side of the family. I look at my grandmother, who I grew up with. She was the only grandparent I ever knew, as they all had passed away before I was born. I look at her mother, and her grandmother. I just keep clicking on the photos, going around and around. I sit and I wait for them to tell me something through the computer, through time. What do you want me to know, Edith? What was it like, Alice?
My grandmother was June. I wrote her biography for my high school senior year english class. I interviewed her sister for the paper. Auntie Sybil said, She was a woman before her time. And she was. She did it all. She always worked outside the home and she did everything at home too. She was also the person who took care of her family, the matriarch, the person they all went to for help.
Recently, because of my own healing, I’m able to see a more complete picture of her. I always saw my grandmother as this wise, joyful lady. But now I’m able to see what I couldn’t see as a kid. And there was a lot for her to carry.
I have been absolutely determined to break the patterns that have been handed down to me. I don’t have a daughter, so I’m the last one standing here. And I feel like the last chance. The end of the road.
I am not meant to stay small. I am not meant to base my worth on what I can give up or sacrifice for those around me. I am not meant to look to someone else to see if I’m good or not.
I will not abandon myself.
It feels like I’m turning a corner. I wanted to share this note I hung up on my fridge a few days ago. It’s a reminder for me and for the people I live with. We all need it.
Thanks for reading today’s entry in my daily blog. My goal here is to practice noticing. I try to write about small things and I try to keep it light. Sometimes I write about creativity or healing. And sometimes I write about my dogs or what I cooked for dinner. Writing daily here is a way for me to shine a light back on my life and help me see.
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