Saturday, February 6, 2021

I’m kind of feeling stuck today. Overthinking this journal and WTF I’m doing with it. I know when I start going down that path, I’m becoming Pam the controller. I’m learning I have two modes of operation. Pam who controls and Pam who lets go. I’m also learning this blog works better when Pam who lets go writes it. So today I’m simply going to copy and paste something I wrote and posted on this blog four years ago – February 2, 2017. I recently re-read it and guess what, it holds up pretty good. 2021 Pam says that this piece was 2017 Pam telling 2013 Pam some stuff. Here it is.
(Oh and here’s a photo of the very handsome and good, good boy McFly Washington Gainer.)


Dear old me,

I remember how it feels to know there has to be a different way. There is a different way, you just have to find it. There’s a whole life waiting for you. And it’s time. I know you can’t see that path running parallel to the one you’re on now, but it’s time to make a turn towards it.

I hope you remember these things, my dear friend.

You can do this simply because you chose it. You made the decision to do the work you need to do. That was it. Now the Universe / God / Love / Jesus / the Stars /(insert whatever here) is going to help you make it happen. Just go with it.

This is a journey that takes place in the long term. Commit to it. There’s no substitute for taking your time. There’s a lot of work to be done and there’s no way around it.

You will have good days and bad days. You’re making progress just because you have chosen this path. You’ll see. Be patient. When you feel good, get quiet and FEEL GOOD – really feel what that feels like. Come back to that feeling when you have a bad day. Remember you can always come back.

You need your body to feel good to help your mind feel good. This isn’t about looks. This is about feels. Learn about what makes your body feel good.  Then do it.

Give your mind a break. There are a lot of ways to do this. Meditation, yoga, prayer, walking in the woods. Find out what works for you. Get quiet. Let the thoughts come and go. They are just thoughts. Learn what you have to do to quiet your mind. Then do it.

In the beginning it may feel like you are being selfish.   This is your mind playing a trick on you. It’s not selfish to do this work. It’s actually the complete opposite. You’ll see.

Old shit is going to come up and you are going to have to deal with it. All the hard feelings we have today, have roots somewhere in the past. Whatever comes up for pain – anger, sadness, shame – feel it all. The only way through it is to feel it.

This all begins and ends with you. It can be rough when you figure this one out. You’ll have to wake up to this. Give yourself a million breaks.

Whenever you have the choice to do more or do less – do less. This isn’t about doing one more thing. This is about doing less “things.”

Gratitude will make you see things differently. That thing you’re complaining about or feeling crappy about? Find one good thing hidden in it. Sometimes you have to really dig, but you can always find it. Trust me.

Watch out for judgment. YOUR judgment. Catch yourself judging other people, and yourself. You may find you do it to yourself the most.

Put blinders on. This isn’t about anyone else. This is about you. Our culture values certain things. On your journey you may find you value something different. This is okay. Actually, it’s more than okay. It’s freedom.

There is no final destination. There is no there, there. This is your life long journey.

This is about you. I know you’ve been trying to fix all those problems and issues and conflicts with other people in your life. When you work on changing yourself and how you are in the world, its like sending out a whole new signal to the world. That other people thing? It just resolves itself. Magic.

Don’t try to figure things out. You can’t think your way out of this. Feel your way out. Let your body guide you out.

And lastly, trust. Someday you’ll look back at your life and see how it all fell into place, exactly how it was meant to be. Trust that it will be amazing.

You will do this.

With love,


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