Tuesday, March 2, 2021

The lower back issues of yesterday have turned into full body issues of today. I’m blaming the lack of movement on the natural hibernation of a New England winter. I need to move more.

Today’s big event was a three hour trip to the dentist which included a mini panic attack. I managed to breath myself back, but not until after the dentist heard about many of my dental horror stories and fears. He was very understanding, so that was a plus.

This tired mom declared this a no cook dinner evening. The boys fended for themselves. Pajamas at 5:30 and laptop in bed with me at 7:00. And hopefully bed at 8:00. No shame.

I’ve realized something about codependency in the last few days. So here are some Deep Thoughts with Pam. When you are codependent, you live your life based upon other people’s actions/emotions. You are always on alert – how is this person feeling, what do they think of me, how am I going to adjust myself so that I can have a desired affect on this other person. You are always reacting to that other person. But then, you learn about codependency and you see how you do this and you take steps to heal from it. You start to look back at yourself and worry more about how you feel, what you think of you, and you see the power you have to affect your own self. You stop letting others moods and actions affect you. It’s not perfect by any means. But there is a definite shift. And then there comes a miraculous day when your first instinct isn’t to react to that other person. You see what’s happening from a higher vantage point. And you’ve learned, throughout your whole body, that you are in charge of what happens inside of you. And that’s the break. The spell is broken. You aren’t reacting to that other person. And because you aren’t expending all your energy reacting, there is enough energy left to actually see the other person. The layers. The why. And this feels like a direct line to a higher power. A direct line to the truth. You are loved. And so are they. And somehow, from this perspective, things just got a whole lot easier.

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