Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Well, I managed to finish the show Normal People. That’s what happens when you wake up at 3:30am and can’t fall back to sleep. I’m contemplating rewatching one of these three shows from start to finish – Mad Men, Downton Abbey, Gilmore Girls. Decisions, decisions.

It started snowing this afternoon. I almost skipped a walk but I got a text from a friend. She was out walking in the woods in the snow. She inspired me and I went out. I should’ve worn better boots. There’s something about walking in the snow or rain. An extra-sensory experience. It makes you feel alive.

I’m thinking about hiding today. I’m a hider. I tuck myself away. Yes, I’m out in the world. But that Pam out in the world? She’s crafted. She’s a shape shifter. For me, this time the world paused has been a gift because it’s allowed me to see this. And it feels unsustainable. Really, it’s kind of a shitty thing to do because what kind of relationships can you have if you can’t be yourself within them? I know there are people who will read this and understand and people who read this who won’t understand. But if you understand, I think you really, really understand.

I read this today:
You may wear out your iron soled shoes searching for what arrives without effort when the time is right.
-Chinese proverb

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