Monday, February 8, 2021

This morning I dropped Wes off at school and as I drove away I had this enormous wave of fear come over me. It came on all of a sudden. Instant racing heart. Sinking feeling in my stomach. Oh god, something bad is about to happen.
So I said to myself, Pam, it’s all good. You know this feeling. You know when it comes on. And you know why. And then I took a deep breath. And it went away.
You see, I was driving to New Hampshire after I dropped him off. We are spending the next week there. Which means…packing, prepping, coordinating. You know how it goes. Kids, dogs, house, mail and so on.
For most of my life, this was a stressful whirlwind. Now, it’s not. Somehow, the changes I’ve made recently have caused a shift to more ease-filled way of being.
But I’ve noticed that what happens with more ease is exactly what happened this morning. The wave of fear.
The wave of fear is what’s leftover. It’s what’s leftover from before. Because of the following belief I once had- if things are not hard and stressful, then I am not okay. I needed things to feel hard and stressful and out of control to feel okay, to feel safe. I needed things to feel exactly the opposite of ease.
So, I’ll likely have these leftovers for a while. Maybe I’ll have them forever? I don’t know. But what I do know is how to deal with them. And that’s where the freedom is.

And here’s a photo of my Gracie Lou who I’m away from for the night and I miss her so, so, so much.

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