Thursday, February 25, 2021

Does anyone remember the SNL skit, Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy? I always thought that skit was so funny. I just googled it and it turns out Jack Handey is a real person. I think I’d like him. Anyway, whenever I’m about to write something here and it seems a bit deep and I start with something like Today I was thinking about…I always think to myself…It’s Deep Thoughts with Pam. So here are my deep thoughts for today.

First I want to say – I love TikTok. I signed up when the pandemic started last year and this app makes me laugh until I cry on a daily basis. People are so funny. Once in a while I make my own videos and make myself laugh. Today I did just that. I made a video about farts and I laughed and laughed and laughed. And just as I was about to post it, I got nervous. I debated whether I should just make it private and share with a few friends. I thought about just deleting it. And then I said to myself, you know what, Pam? You are a 44 year old woman. You are writing a blog about very personal things. You want to feel free. You are posting that damn video. So I did.

So then I went for a walk and I had deep thoughts about worrying about what people think about you. And this is what I came up with. I hear a lot of people say things like…You can’t worry about what people think of you. Just don’t worry about it. No ones thinking about you anyway. I’ve heard it all. I’ve tried so damn hard to will myself to not worry about it, but guess what – it never works. And here’s why – as human beings we are made to care what other people think of us. We are made to be part of a tribe and belong. We are made for connection. So, of course we are going to take into consideration what other people think about us. And that simple thought – accepting that it’s okay to care what other people think of me – just simply accepting that – allowed the stress to lift.

And then more deep thoughts. I have spent my entire life hiding. I morph into different Pam’s depending on who I’m around. That was just how I learned to be. So now that I’m 44 years old and am taking steps to put my true self out into the world, I can expect that those around me might be just a bit shocked. It doesn’t mean that they won’t still like me. It does mean that they just may be be a bit…confused. Who is this Pam that makes TikToks about farts? So, I have to take some responsibility for that. Because I never let them see Pam.

And part of me can’t believe I’m just going to write this post and put it out into the world. But here goes.
(Oh and check out how cool the almost full moon looks over the farm.)

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